and just like Mufasa welcomed Simba – Lincoln Karl Verdun was brought into our world on November 28th at 3:00am – my life changed more than I thought possible. We arrived home Sunday afternoon after he was all checked out (sidebar: Zack has never driven so slowly, it’s okay to majorly freak out once your child is in the carseat and you’re on the open road) and there we had it- we were now a family.
I had just given birth and still looked at least 6 months pregnant, it’s not a pretty picture, but home felt much better than the hospital. Unfortunately Zack had to go to work Monday morning, so right away I was going to be alone with this new person wanting to be latched onto my boob 24/7.
I cried. I cried a lot- and those who know me, know that isn’t me. I hate crying. I tried to stuff it all back into my cold heart. But sometimes I just couldn’t help it. Zack would say hi and I’d burst into tears. I remember Monday afternoon, when I was all alone, I sat with Lincoln in my arms on the ground in the middle of the nursery room and just let it all out. I ugly cried, I told him I loved him, I just sat there starting at him – I felt crazy. but I was also told this is normal, so it’s okay.
I knew being a mother would be a totally new challenge but I just didn’t really understand until it happened. I think even in the first week I said, “let’s go to a movie tonight” completely forgetting that the baby can’t just get up and go out or take care of themself. It was hard for me to realize my job was to now sustain this new life. I was the milkman, the poop picker upper and the warm body to fall asleep on. I had jealousy of my husband who would come home from work and get the cute snuggles, maybe give a bottle feed or just head out to the gym if need be. I felt trapped, constricted and probably a little depressed. And this was all in the first week.