and the reality is setting in…

I really expected myself to be sharing on here more during my second pregnancy, sharing updates, photos and documenting this wild experience; but if this pregnancy is anything like what’s to come – I better be ready to keep moving at a fast speed.

With a second, third, etc, child there is no time (I haven’t found it anyways!) to come home after work, talk about your sore feet, tired back, or lay on the couch because there’s another child that wants your attention, there’s a life to continue and other people count on you. The days of your first pregnancy are over; so here’s some advice SOAK UP THE FIRST TIME. Soak up the first time being pregnant because it will likely be bliss compared to the next one. Besides being constantly tired it’s also wild to see your body change to quickly. I felt pretty strong and fit throughout my entire first; we even had a baby shower at a crossfit gym doing a workout, but this time I ballooned at the speed of lightening. I’m as large as I was at 9 months with Lincoln right now, and I’m only 6 months…where the next 3 months will fit – I have no idea.

All joking aside; the real thing setting in is some anxiety. I’ve woken up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep, or had trouble sleeping in the first place. I’m anxious about everything; time. How will I manage time? Lincoln will start kindergarten the month after this one is born; which means shorter school days, new routines, strict drop off and pick up times and I’m going to be toting around a 6 week old. So time is stressing me out. Each week that passes I think about Lincoln being an only child for one week less. He loves the attention we give him, and I know he’ll be an amazing big brother – but knowing he’s going to go through this transition with us stresses me out. I don’t want him to have to take on any additional stress/feelings/nerves. He’s already quite an emotionally charged little firecracker (people say “oh he’s such a Sagittarius”). If you’re into zodiac/astrology Lincoln is a fire sign, I’m a Leo – fire sign, and this child is due to be a fire sign (Leo)…so this house is anything but quiet and calm; thank goodness for my gemini husband trying to balance us out (no chance bud!) As you can tell by my rambling; these thoughts are causing some issues in my brain. Kindergarten in itself is giving me all the feels; not in a ‘he’s growing up way’, but with Lincoln being a Nov 28th kid I know he’s statistically behind for his school year and it’s more of an uphill battle for him. Why didn’t we think about this before??

And then money… I think money stresses me out because it’s one of those topics we don’t talk about openly. Everyone is very secretive, a new stock comes out and you invest quietly; and I get it. There are logical reasons for being private about money and I’m one of those people who just spiral out of control about it. Here’s an example; we’re planning on going to a Disney resort in May as a special trip for Lincoln before baby sis comes along. We have the money to go, time is booked off work, we’ve looked into trip details – and now…about 6 weeks out I change my thoughts from should we really spend $10K (US exchange right is a tough pill to swallow!) on this amazing trip OR could we get an awesome Airbnb in a city close to us and do some cool shit there? So now we’re going to Montreal for the week, which will still be fun but even when money is planned out; I hold it close.

And then change. I’m a very adaptive creative; once I’m in the environment. But every waking minute until I’m there; I will build up scenarios in my head. Here’s a very clear snapshot of my brain:

Last week I was in another city and Zack kept Lincoln in Ottawa. We exchanged texts around 8:00pm one night, and that was the last I heard from them until 5:30pm the next day. During that almost 24 hour period; I had texted goodnight, good morning messages, a few things throughout the day… and nothing. For context, Zack works and Lincoln is at daycare- so they’re not just sitting at home waiting for my message, but still… remember I’m over here playing out every scenario that has gone wrong.

I ask my best friend her thoughts, I ask my parents if I’m crazy – and then I do it…I call Lincoln’s school just to ‘check’ if he made it into school that day. They say he’s there, happy, ask whats going on; I explain my brain and the director sort of laughs and says “don’t worry, we don’t have to tell Zack you called if you don’t want us to”. I obviously told Zack later and he had a good laugh. But that’s me. I worry, I crave security and I move fast. If you know anything about the enneagram my tri type is a 3-1-6 which means I move fast into action, then move into details, critical thinking, analyzing, and then at the end I turn into a worrywart. It’s a rotating wheel of emotins.

So all this to say; if you can’t tell, there is a lot going on in my brain right now. How can I prepare more? How am I going to cope? What will be the new norm? I could write a book about all of my other thoughts, but I’ll keep that for another day. Right now I have a couple more days off from work; I’m going to try a meditation and do my best shot at relaxing.

Until next time.

With Love,

Chelsea

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