logical motherhood.

This motherhood thing really never gets to a place where it feels normal to me. I’m not sure if it’s supposed to get to that place, but if it is- I’m not there. I watch moms in the mall, at the park, on the plane, anywhere and some of them look so normal, like it’s just second nature. I don’t feel that way. I feel awkward sometimes. I get nervous that people are watching be and judging me. Am I feeding him too much? Too little? Not healthy enough? The logical side of me knows that it’s just my perception. I’m sure it looks more natural than it feels, but that self doubt always trickles its way up.

{photo by Stephanie Mason Photography}

I’ve also become oddly emotional (For me) around children. Usually a pretty blunt, efficient, sometimes easily frustrated person- I’m now saying “oh how old is she? Oh, take your time (on the plane), no no it’s totally fine if she comes this way and continuously pulls my hair”… and the scary thing is that I mean it. I get it now. To be frank, I had ZERO patience for kids before I had one. I was often bothered that they came into my personal space, I feel terrible because I wasn’t understanding if they would cry on the plane, and I hated hearing temper tantrums happen in public or at a restaurant. If I could take back all that negative energy I exerted, I would. There was a toddler running up and down the airplane aisle last night and instead of eye rolls I wanted to get down there and play with him. I saw his Dad chasing him and having that apologetic look on his face and I just started laughing with this little kid who was having the time of his life just purely running. There was a new mom out at a coffee shop with who I assumed were some girlfriends and the baby started crying. You could almost feel this moms’ anxiousness as she tried to shush the baby, rock her, do anything before leaving the coffee shop. I got it. I had been there. So nervous of what everyone was thinking and believing that this cry was the loudest noise in the world, when really it’s so soft.

and then I jump out of that. And Lincoln starts crying. or screaming. or just being Lincoln and the fear creeps right back in. He learned how to scream about a month or so ago. And I mean screaming for fun- just to be heard. He knows it’s loud, he usually laughs afterwards. And logically I know it’s amazing, I’m watching someone learn language and speech, but in my head on sometimes on my face I’m like “okay bud I hear you, I get it, now chill out”. The head games are just continuous, the emotions are overwhelming. Surely it must stop at some point and it’s all just normal, like this is my life, sort of feeling? Because I still think WOAH how did we get here? Why does this little dude love me so much? Why does he always want to hold my hand? I think in the past 2 months have I really started loving being a mom. I wasn’t sold on it before. I wasn’t certain. I don’t know if I was truly happy. And I know there will be days like that, but now when I’m gone for 2 days I miss him. I want to actually wake him up at night when I get home, when just 4 months ago I would give ANYTHING for him to sleep.

Let’s let this sit for a little bit…wait until he finally gets teeth. I think these sentiments might change a bit.

With Love,

Chelsea